I wonder what happened to whatshername…oh yes , me

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Back to stoma talk. Can’t be helped , this is me now , confused, sad, happy, weird , questioning, always questioning. Is it normal for ones emotions to jump about so much? I think I am used to having a stoma one minute, to pure fear with the thought of living like this for the rest of my life. For instance, have you thought about coping with a stoma when you are old? I have. I see older folk in the hospital with stomas, who struggle to cope now for various reasons, arthritic fingers, dementia, waiting for help from the busy nurses. For the nurses, it should be a dream patient, one who doesn’t actually shit the bed, but they would come with their own stoma issues. Only nurses who work with stomas all the time, truly know.

As of the 17th of this month, I have absolutely no way of going back ( I don’t now really, but I still have my bottom even though it isn’t connected to anything ). I won’t ever use the toilet for a poo the same way EVER again.I will always have Tomas, ALWAYS.

What about when my skin gets wrinkly and baggy, will the bags fit properly? We hear about the young people with stomas much more now, before it was very taboo, but why? didn’t anyone ask the mature stoma folk what its like? I don’t ever remember any stories or pictures of elderly stoma patients enjoying life. Maybe because they were just getting on with it, not worrying about what people thought. I would love to hear from an elderly  person with a stoma,( did you name it?,) and listen to their story. If anyone reads this, please let me hear your side of the stoma story.

Not sure if I am doing the right thing by being so open about my journey, but when I see others doing the same, I feel proud. ( and upset, I thought I was the only one being so graphic, then more people might read my blog, but alas….I am not alone).

Not long before I go under the knife again, am so scared of it all. I read up about it, sometimes wishing I hadn’t, sometimes glad that I did. It still feels a bit like a dream (nightmare ?) and one that I won’t be waking from.

I am feeling very morbid at the moment, I am sure it is because of the upcoming surgery, the winter drawing in, coldness etc… I feel isolated in my own mind, with my own thoughts. Will I be able to enjoy christmas? how much pain will I be in? eeek. If I am like this now, what will I be like the day before?. I need a sedative from now until then.

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I have had problems with peas lately.

They seem to bother Tomas. I end up very watery as the skins block the output, and it makes me feel just ugh . I have had them before though, so I think I don’t chew as well as I should the more I get used to it all. I had a small amount of mushy peas the other day, and I think even those are no good now, I assume that being mushy, it would go through no bother, think again. It makes changing the bag a barrel of laughs. I get through a million tissues. First time I have seen Tomas look like he is having a wee. Mums first comment on seeing it in the first place months ago was ” it looks like a penis” .Today it is a lot better, but I hate the fact I have to be careful what I eat, I have found going for meals, a pain in the barbie butt,( haha) I might love the sound of it but you can bet that there will be something used in the dish that could cause me problems. People who know me, know i like to eat so this is sad news.

I can’t wait for all the surgeries to be over with, not long now, hopefully my and my families life will take an upward turn for next year.

 

 

 

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